Pallav's Collection Of Jokes

Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tires and surrenders.

CORPORATE LESSON #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which

one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps

herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there

stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that

towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her

towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a

few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in

the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her

husband asks from the shower "Who was that?

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say any thing about the $800 he owes

me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your

stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

*****

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he

stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and

crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The

priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,

he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and

immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to

remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg

again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the pries! t apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and

went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to

retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said," Go forth and seek;

further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might

miss great opportunities!

*****

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO

standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document

and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly, Sir"

said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper,

and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the

machine. "I just need one copy."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

*****

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,

who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie

appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he

said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a

wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the

pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted

WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was

so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and

immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented

with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he

steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SH**

!!!!!!!........IIT."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language, you never know what it will land

you in.

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 20 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 50 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers," That's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not". The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

"How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something which I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my *DOG* back?"