Friday, February 04, 2005
Actual Answering Machine Messages
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message."
"Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial-aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
"Hi!...Now, you say something."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From a Japanese friend in Toronto)..."He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. .Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone,
think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message."
"Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial-aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
"Hi!...Now, you say something."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From a Japanese friend in Toronto)..."He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. .Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone,
think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
Laloo Yadav
Laloo Yadav's car is driving along a back country road on the way back to Patna , when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car... The piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the
chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages...
The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a wondering look on his face. Laloo wants to know what happened.
The driver tells him "Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai,tab sare log jama ho gaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee.Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ke malik ke liye hai. Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya, aur kaha "bahut achchha kaam kiya hai re bhaiya"
Laloo says "Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek bata. Tu unko kya bola tha?"
The driver replies "Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon"
chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages...
The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a wondering look on his face. Laloo wants to know what happened.
The driver tells him "Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai,tab sare log jama ho gaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee.Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ke malik ke liye hai. Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya, aur kaha "bahut achchha kaam kiya hai re bhaiya"
Laloo says "Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek bata. Tu unko kya bola tha?"
The driver replies "Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon"
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Who's my Grandpa?
Many many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow,
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matter’s worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And became my grand-son,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow,
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matter’s worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And became my grand-son,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
Santa in Microsoft
Santa Singh sent his bio data to America to apply for a post in Microsoft.
A few days later he got his reply:-
“Dear Mr.Singh,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further Correspondence. No phone shall be entertained.
Thanks”
Santa Singh jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a party and when all guests had come, he said “Bhaiyon aur Behno,aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki mujhay America mein naukri mil gayee hai.”
Everyone was delighted.
Santa Singh continued “Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter English main hai isliyein saath-saath hindi mein translate bhee kartaa jaongaa.
Dear Mr.Singh----pyare Singh sahib
You do not meet----aap to miltay he naheen ho
Our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any further correspondence----ab letter vetter bhejnay kee zaroorat nahee hai.
No phone call----phone vone kee bhee zaroorat nahee hai
Shall be entertained----bahut khatir kee jayegi.
Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya.
A few days later he got his reply:-
“Dear Mr.Singh,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further Correspondence. No phone shall be entertained.
Thanks”
Santa Singh jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a party and when all guests had come, he said “Bhaiyon aur Behno,aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki mujhay America mein naukri mil gayee hai.”
Everyone was delighted.
Santa Singh continued “Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter English main hai isliyein saath-saath hindi mein translate bhee kartaa jaongaa.
Dear Mr.Singh----pyare Singh sahib
You do not meet----aap to miltay he naheen ho
Our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any further correspondence----ab letter vetter bhejnay kee zaroorat nahee hai.
No phone call----phone vone kee bhee zaroorat nahee hai
Shall be entertained----bahut khatir kee jayegi.
Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
7 Ways to Catch a LION
1. Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon, Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform
an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.
7. The Banta's Method: DON'T EVEN TRY YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.
