Pallav's Collection Of Jokes

An Irishman found an old oil lamp and rubbed it. Out
came a Genie who said, "Master you have released me
from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what
would you like"

The Irishman scratched his head for a few moments,
then answered, "I wish for a bottle of Guinness that
never gets empty."

"Granted master" replied the Genie and produced the
bottle.

The Irishman was delighted and immediately poured
himself a tall glass of the dark brew. After he
drained the glass he picked up the bottle and sure
enough it was full again. The Irishman got drunk on
this one magic Guinness bottle for three weeks
before he remembered that he had two more wishes.

He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared.

"Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would
you like?"

"You remember that magic, never ending Guinness
bottle?" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two
wishes, I'd like another two of them"

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Driving to the office this morning on the
Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 mph with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner!

I looked away a couple of seconds and when I looked
back she was halfway over in my lane, still working
on that damn makeup!!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so bad that I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my
other hand. In all of the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car using my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from
my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins", ruined
the damned phone.....and disconnected an important
call.

DAMNED WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

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A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk
their way into an interview. But when they get into
the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough
questions. Below, is some advice on approaching the
tough questions that interviewers like to throw at
job applicants:

Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer: It sucked.
What you should say: I felt my talents and abilities
were underutilized.

What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer: I can't concentrate for more than five
minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to
fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say: I'm a workaholic. I just don't
know when to put down my work.

You don't seem to hold on to a job long. Why should
we think you'll stay here any longer than you've
stayed elsewhere?
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up
about keeping only competent employees..
What you should say: I'm at a point in my career
where I am tired of moving around. I really want to
feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I
can make a contribution.
For all those of u aiming for job
switches...............

How do you handle change?
Real answer: I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out
of clean underwear.
What you should say: I think everyone knows that
today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.

How do you get along with others?
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay out of my
face.
What you should say: I think the interpersonal
dynamics of the workplace can be among the most
satisfying aspects of any job.

What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my
sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say: Success, for me, would be
knowing I am making a difference working with a team
of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer: It means I continue to collect
unemployment insurance.
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry, I don't
know what you mean. That word is not in my
vocabulary.

Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind
of a malicious person he is.
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a
boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.

Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer: I don't get angry, I get even.
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to
see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off
or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with
co-workers.

Can I contact your references?
Real answer: Sure, but they won't know who I am.
What you should say: Some of them are out of the
country right now. Maybe I can arrange to have them
contact you.

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Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old
guys, 70+ years old, are sitting on a park bench
feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, like they
do every day.

Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's
cricket in heaven?"

Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I
dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll
come
back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if
you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor
Sachin passes on. One day soon afterward, Ganguly is
sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he
hears a voice whisper,

"Sourav... Sourav!"

Ganguly responds, "Sachin! Is that you?"

"Yes it is,

Sourav," whispers Sachin's ghost. Ganguly, still
amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"

"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad
news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Ganguly.

Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven."

Ganguly says, "That's great! What news could be bad
enough to ruin that!?"

Sachin sighs and whispers, "You're going to be the
opening batsmen on Friday."

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